Second Hand Clothes: The Beast of Burden

A friend of mine is having a baby. This little baby boy is a much-anticipated baby: he has been five years in the making. All of her friends, family and closest acquaintances are thrilled, as evinced by her baby shower of epic proportions. The food could have fed three or four times the guest list. The gifts had to be transported home in not one, but two trucks. The candy coated almonds, which matched the invitations in both color and theme, featured tiny hand-painted owl faces. The cookie table, a Pittsburgh tradition, would have shamed some weddings. It was astounding.

As I sat in my friend’s living room the other night, staring at baby paraphernalia peaking out from behind her living room furniture and spilling quietly into the dining room, she told me about another gift she received. A surprise gift, after the shower: four large garbage bags of baby clothes, sizes 0-24 months, from her cousin whose boy had long outgrown the clothes. My friend sighed as she told me about this “gift” and threw her eyes around the room, looking at all the baby stuff she already didn’t have room for. We looked at each other. I had the good sense to remain silent. For the moment.

“It’s not that I’m not grateful. I mean, I’ll have clothes for this child for a long time. But then my sister and my mother had to come over to help me sort through it all, pull out the ones that were too stained and put away the ones that were too big....”

My heart went out to her. One of the greatest gifts I received when I had my first baby was six boxes of hand-me-downs ranging in size from newborn to 7T. It was also one of the biggest burdens. I remember another friend gleefully handing me a huge, black garbage bag full of baby clothes a couple of months after my son’s birth. At my squeal of excitement and attempt to thank her, she replied, “Are you kidding me? I’m so happy to get rid of those you can’t even imagine! You’re the sucker!” I had no idea what she was talking about.

Now that I have three kids, I know exactly what she was talking about.

Don’t get me wrong--hand-me-downs are great and I have always been thankful to get them. On the flip side, though, they are a curse. And here’s why:

1.) That adorable pink outfit that a friend loved and can’t bear to give to anyone else’s child but mine is now so worn out that it looks atrocious. No mother would want her kid in it. This cannot tactfully be said to a friend. So I am forced to take the worn out pink thing (sometimes boxes of them), expressing my gratitude and remarking on how lovely the outfit must have been.


Then I do the work of giving the outfit(s) to charity. I see myself as the arbiter of loved items to Goodwill. An Ambassador of the Unwanted, taking loved things and doing what the giver cannot do: getting rid of them. 

That princess sleeper that your princess slept in until it is pilled and discolored and reeks of urine no matter how many times it has been washed? I have no use for that, nor does my child. I certainly will not treasure it like you or your child did. Either keep it forever or throw it out! But so many parents are unable to do this. They cannot take that final step of admitting that a beloved item of clothing has reached its limit of usefulness and throw it out or give it to charity. So I do it for them. As do countless other mothers/parents who take hand-me-downs.

2.) The lie of “play clothes.”
How many times have you heard this line, Mothers Who Take Hand-Me-Downs:
“I know it’s stained, but [your child] can use it for play clothes!”

Here’s the thing, though: clothes children play in are also clothes children wear when they go on an impromptu shopping trip or clothes children end up in when their father dresses them and doesn’t know the difference between play clothes and regular clothes. 

Play happens.

Play clothes are bullshit. 
If kids aren't supposed to play in their clothes, what are they supposed to do in them? All clothes are play clothes if you are a kid and that's how it should be. I don't want my kids so worried about their clothes that they are afraid to try new things, run in the grass, make mud pies, have squirt gun wars....

My kids have nice clothes that get stained or ripped or both. If there are clothes I don’t want them to ruin, I save those clothes in a secret place and only bring them out for church on Sunday. 
Don’t give me stained or otherwise ruined clothes because those clothes are...well...ruined.

3.) Hand-me-downs are not clothes I picked out. 

As a mother of three, I don’t so much care anymore if someone hands me a box of perfectly good, stain-free clothes for my children and the clothes aren’t exactly my style. But my friend--this is her first child, perhaps her only child. Her cousin’s idea of what looked cute on her baby maybe 7 years ago is not my friend’s idea of what is going to look cute on her baby in 2012.

4.) You only get to dress your child for 2, maybe 3 years.
If you are the kind of parent who enjoys conflict and is obsessed with how your child is dressed, you might be able to--with a great deal of anger, frustration and stress--manage it for 7 or 8 years. But there is going to come a time when your child refuses to wear the clothing of your choice. 

My daughter just turned three and if I put clothes on her that she doesn’t like, she takes them off and goes naked. I prefer her clothed. And I’d rather save my battles for the times I have to win, for the times that are really important, like dinner or not running the street.

When your baby is small, it is natural to want that baby to look adorable, to look the way your want him or her to look. Hand-me-downs stand in the way of this, unless someone with your exact taste and sensibilities bought the clothes and the clothes were hardly worn. This rarely happens.

The advice I gave my friend?

“Give away or throw out any clothes that are stained or otherwise ruined. Also give away all the clothes that you think are ugly or not your style or simply something you don’t want to see on your baby.
Because life is too short. If you wake up one morning, reach into the drawer and pull out an outfit for your baby that you don’t like, it’s going to be a bad day. And you don’t need another bad day with a baby.
You should dress your baby how you want. You should put only the clothes you think are cute on your baby. And never feel guilty about it. This is your baby.”